What do parents owe their kids?

Posted on 29. Aug, 2010 by Joan Azarva in Articles

As parents, we are told to love our kids “unconditionally”.

Does that mean that we are also supposed to give to our kids unconditionally?

That’s where I have trouble.

What exactly do we owe our kids?

The way I see it, we owe them food, shelter, clothing, and of course, love and affection. Beyond that, what else?

* Do we owe them the latest video game system?
* Do we owe them $75 jeans?
* Do we owe them moral values?
* Do we owe them a college education?

While many would argue against #1 and #2 above, few would disagree with #3 and #4.

I have no trouble with #3. It’s #4 I want to discuss with you.

I believe we can assume that “good enough” parents want the best for their kids. For many parents, a college education falls under the same “basic needs” category as food, shelter, clothing, etc. However, it doesn’t for me. Why not?

That’s easy. I’ve seen too many parents throw thousands of dollars down the drain, with the best of intentions, assuming college is a basic need. They feel guilty if they don’t provide it. They spend their hard-earned savings or take out mega loans because they feel they “owe” it to their kids. They fail to see that this hefty financial outlay, second only to their homes in many cases, requires something in return– cooperation.

College is not a right, it’s a privilege. It’s a privilege that comes with strings attached. Think about this scenario for a second: If your teen is awarded a scholarship, will the donor continue to pay if your teen doesn’t maintain a certain grade point average? Of course not. Scholarship money is awarded to candidates who, according to their academic history, appear to be safe risks. It’s also awarded with the expectation that the student deliver. It’s similar to a contract.

That’s the way parents need to see college–as a contract between them and their teens. They should only sign on the dotted line if the odds are in their favor that they’re making a sound investment.

How can parents tell if their investment will pay dividends? After working as a learning specialist on the college level since 1993, I know which kids make it. You are making a sound investment if your teen–

* wants to go to college and is not being coerced
* is able to articulate his disability and learning style
* knows her strengths and weaknesses
* agrees to disclose her disability to a college in order to obtain accommodations and/or services
* realizes that seeking help is empowering and knows where to find it
* is open to the idea of using technology to compensate for weaknesses
* understands the value of delayed gratification and can say “no”
* has some ideas, even vague ones, of a career direction
* knows how much it costs to sit in on one session of a college class
* agrees to attend every class (unless very ill)
* has a system for time management
* can get out of bed on his own
* knows how a checking account or debit card works
* signs a FERPA waiver
* agrees if she doesn’t give college her best efforts, the “free ride” ends

You’d be amazed at how many times I’ve heard students who’ve failed classes say, “Oh, I’ll just take it again, my parents are paying for it.” I think to myself….if only their parents could hear them. These are the same students who retake the class, do things the same way, and fail it again.

College, particularly for students with learning disabilities, is not a natural extension of high school. There are too many new variables and too many potholes waiting to suck them in.

Those who proceed through college successfully are able to check off most of the items on my list. If that’s not the case in your house, it’s not too late to begin preparing…. no matter your child’s age.

Once your child can reassure you regarding the checklist above, then, and only then would I get out my checkbook—not one minute sooner.

What are your thoughts?

Tags: responsibility, what parents owe, when to invest in college